I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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