I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
