I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
