I need to stop coming to work sober
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
