my phone needs a breathalizer
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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