Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
