i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Of course I have a pirate flag
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
