I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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