I just pynch a tree in the face
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize