I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
