How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
