If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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