I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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