Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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