i may or may not be watching the land before time
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
