So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
