Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize