allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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