He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So apparently I’m into choking now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
