yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
