just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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