I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i drank out of a bidet.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
