so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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