Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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