Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
