she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
