I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
