does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
