i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
