There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
