Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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