This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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