omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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