they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
