I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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