I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
