I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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