he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
