I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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