My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
