Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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