so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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