Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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