New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
