I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
