it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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