You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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