I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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