Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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