The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
