one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she smelled like a LAN party
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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