i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
