I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
