I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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