how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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