Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
