just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
