Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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