I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
